The 401st Blow :: Thoughts On Media

Great Literature

Posted in Content by Noah Harlan on June 2, 2010

My wife & I have a little ant problem and the usual bait stations weren’t working so I went to Amazon to find something a little better than what the local bodega offers. I came across the Terro 300 Pre-Filled Liquid Ant Killer II Baits, 6-Pack. What was particularly enjoyable was seeing the literary flourish admirers of this product put into their reviews.

Rocco titled his review: “like a kegger for ants“:

After a frustrating week with Raid and Hotshot ant baits (in the end, i opened them carefully and the bait cakes were utterly untouched!), I tracked down this product at a select Walgreens. We cracked two traps and it was like free beer and pizza for ants. I really enjoyed watching them line up to imbibe deeply the rich toxic borate brew. And then scurry, nay stagger, back to their nest to share their plunder with their unsuspecting siblings and the mother queen. Yes, drink my friends. Drink deeply.

I like the turn of phrase “And then scurry, nay stagger, back to their nest…” The switch to a pseudo-second person voice for the last two lines was elegant and enjoyable.

What about Boom, who went in a more post-modern referential direction and titled his review “Little Jonestowns for Ants“:

It’s not cyanide-laced grape Flavor Aid, but this stuff is like liquid crack to ants. No more foggers to turn your house into a Bhopal disaster. Now you can pretend to be the Jim Jones of the ant world.

Word to the wise: read the directions. Obviously, the people who rated this product with one star can’t read. This product does not kill on contact or immediately. It destroys the ants’ digestive system so it takes a little time. This is good because ants pass food between each other. By the time ants start dropping dead, the whole colony has had the Flavor Aid. This means the queen and the baby ants get the Jimmy-juice, too. All to the tune of Danzig’s “Last Caress.”

Heck, you’ll be happier than Che Guevara killing masses of innocent people in the name of the Proletariat. You’ll be chanting, “El Che Vive,” and before you know it you’ll be immortalized on little red ant shirts by idiot ant kids who have no clue you killed innocent ant women and ant children for little more than “getting on your toothbrush” or “walking around aimlessly by my sink.”

PS: It is also a great way to figure out where the heck they’re coming from. Then after they’re all destroyed, you can seal up the spot with some caulk or duct tape.

References to Jonestown, Bhopal and Che Guevara give the writing an historic and epic feel. Perhaps reminiscent of a young Isabel Allende?

The internet provides some wonderful entertainment in the most unexpected places.


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